Available for Future Sexploitation

10-29-2020, 07:21 PM
Michael Murry
Haunting Spirit
Join Date: December 2012
Posts 48

I haven't commented here at the Downs for several years now, mostly because I thought the knowledgable Tolkien community had thoroughly disposed of the Peter Jackson Killer Elf-Chick Love Interest (Release 1: "Itaril"; Release 2: "Tauriel") in the three bloated-with-Hollywood-cheese "Hobbit" films. For my part, I sat through each film precisely once years ago and would never waste a minute of my time doing so again. Still, when I thought of dropping by the site to collect my admittedly misogynist, misanthropic, scatological verse compositions lampooning the ridiculous Killer Elf Chick character -- in both of her successive incarnations -- I discovered this thread still mentioning the names Thranduil and "Tauriel" in connection with Peter Jackson and future LOTR editions. Has anyone actually proposed such a dreadful possibility?

Anyway, I can't envision what anyone could possibly do with these two "character concepts" in an LOTR context, but I suppose one would first have to deal with where we find them at the end of The Hobbit. I've previously written some verse on this subject (somewhere back in 2016) "Unrequited Elf/Dwarf Libido," but just on the spur of the moment, how about a terza rima sonnet:

"Available for Future Sexploitation"

King Thranduil of Murkwood Forrest faced
A grim dilemma: What to do with her:
The Elf-chick “captain” of his “guard” disgraced

By conduct which of rights ought to incur
Dismissal for desertion, at the least,
Or plaything object of droit du seigneur.

Since she had not performed the two-backed beast
With either Young Elf Lord or dwarf, why not?
Her value, otherwise, had truly ceased

Except as a digression from the plot
Whose end requires a resolution deft
As it grows near and reeks of fan-fic rot.

We leave her with her just deserts, bereft:
The dwarf died and the Young Elf Lord just left.